Moriel's Musings

One of the things all trans people look forward to and celebrate are what we call gender affirming moments, little things that happen during the day that make us feel like we truly belong in our true gender and that others accept us without question. One such moment for me came about a year and…

TERFs and other transphobes like to claim that trans women aren’t really women in part because we were socialized male, but were we really? I came across a post on Mastodon that made the point that trans girls can experience this attempted socialization very differently from actual males. For us it can, in fact, be…

Content warning: this entry talks about suicide. Thursday, April 19, 1990 Only the brave kill themselves. That is the shortest entry in my diary. To me its meaning is crystal clear, but others may need it explained. There is a common myth that suicide is the “cowards way out” and only fearful, weak people kill…

This is a question that has plauged me ever since I realized I wanted to be a girl: why? Why am I trans? What did I do to deserve this fate? Is it biological? Is it spiritual? Why me? Sadly, I have yet to find a satisfactory answer. I believe that there must be a…

When I was in college, before I transitioned and was still vacillating back and forth about whether I should even try, I used to be a caver. There are lots of caves in my state and I would routinely go on camping trips where I’d be part of groups exploring, sometimes surveying, wild caves. It…

If you’ve read along so far in this series of posts, you might think that I knew I was trans at this point, and that should be the end of the story, but it’s not, really. While my parents didn’t reject me, they also didn’t accept me as female. They wanted me to be “cured”.…

Now we come to my early college years. I was 19 and I left home to start my first year of college. That first year I lived in a commercial, off campus dormitory and had 3 assigned roommates, with only 2 bedrooms. Thus, I simply could not risk having any of my comfort clothes with…

I am currently going through a very joyous and energetic moment. For the past 12 days I have been feeling euphoric, and so many good things have come about! Mind you, this is not without a (potential) downside. For the first time in about 20 years I am having a hypomanic episode. Back in 1999…

When I finally decided to transition, and especially as I started HRT and faced taking my first estrogen pill, I stood on the brink of the change fearfully. I felt that to take that pill, to truly commit to transition, would be the end of everything I had ever known. It felt like death, to…

Raggedy Ann and Andy have been popular childrens toys since 1918. When I was about 5, I was given a Raggedy Andy doll. That was nice, and I played with it, but what I really wanted was Raggedy Ann. Of course, I was not allowed that because it was a girl’s toy and I was…