For months now (four months, even) I have been going to public social events around town trying to meet new people in the communities I’m part of. I just want to get to know people and have them get to know me so that I can expand my circle of friends. However, I’ve been running into a huge problem: between my sound sensitivities and my social anxiety and my general austic social awkwardness, I have found myself shutting down at almost every event. I end up sitting alone, wearing earplugs, or even noise canceling headphones, trying to block out the noise of the crowd that is overwhelming my senses. Sometimes I will leave the room and go outside to take a break, but while I eventually calm down, I just get overwhelmed again as soon as I go back in. For most of these events, I have left early, usually without even saying goodbye to anyone. Needless to say, I have not been successfull at meeting new people.

But towards the end of last month, I had a regular appointment with my psychiatrist for a medication checkup, and while there I talked to her about all of things I’d been experiencing, and I asked if I could go on lorazepam (Ativan), which I had done about 11 years ago during my last extended attempt at being social. She agreed, and I picked up my new prescription the next day. Before anyone worries, I am not taking it every day, and having been on it before I knew I probably wouldn’t experience any negative side effects. (I haven’t.) I only need to take this when I actually have, or can expect to have, a severe anxiety attack.

Well, Saturday was my first chance to try it at one of these big, crowded, loud, public events, and guess what? It worked! I took the pill about 45 minutes before hand, right before leaving to go there, and when I arrived I preemptively put on my earplugs to give me some partial sound blockage. I went inside and … everything felt fine. It was loud, though not as crowded as usual, but my sound sensitivities did not get triggered. What’s more, I didn’t feel any anxiety (well, maybe a smidgen) about talking to people. I ended up talking to 18 different people that day, mostly people I’d never met before, and I had extended conversations with several of them. I even stayed until the very end and was one of the last people to leave.

It was actually fun! I don’t recall the last time I had fun a big public event like this. It would have been about 2003 probably. The idea of a big social gathering actually being fun is astonishing to me these days. I almost felt like an extrovert, for a change! (Though I’m not really one. I still expended energy for this, but it was not a massive burden like it normally is for me.)

I think the lorazepam is going to work out well for me. Hopefully it works well enough for me to finally really get to know people and make new friends. After that I will hopefully feel more at ease and be able to attend these things without the chemical aid. I’m looking forward to being more social, finally.