A major period of my life has come to an end. I just moved. I’m living alone again for the first time in years. I’ve met a lot of new people online, some of whom are becoming good friends. I’ve also become interested in BDSM and am discovering that I’m not quite as asexual as I’d previously thought. So I start going out to social events. Meeting people in public and trying to have an irl social life for the first time in more than a decade. I start having anxiety attacks. I begin wearing headphones when I’m out in public to control the sonic sensory overload. I begin seeing a therapist because being around strangers is so stressful and difficult for me. I start taking anti-anxiety medication. I pull out of anticipated social events because I’m worried that they are going to go wrong. Eventually I start drinking a lot and get drunk for the first time who knows how long.

This was 12 1/2 years ago when I got divorced.

This is also my current reality after selling my house and moving across country.

If history keeps on repeating itself, then the next steps for me are entirely withdrawing from anything resembling a social life and going back to being online only. Giving up trying to make new friends and just sticking with the ones I now have. Giving up any idea of having any kind of romantic or sexual relationships ever again. And probably spending another decade of my life living in greyscale until one day my real needs break through again, under still worse conditions where it’s even harder to do anything about them. I really don’t want this to happen again, but I have absolutely no idea how to avoid it.