I’ve been quiet the past few months. At the beginning of April I moved across the continent to a new city and a new state and ever since then, my life has been in turmoil. It all started, though, back in February when, for whatever reason, I had a hypomanic episode for the first time in a decade or more. It lasted a couple of weeks, and it was great! I felt on top of the world. I was absolutely euphoric the whole time and got a ton of stuff done. Towards the end of it, when I started to come down, I had my first intimate encounter in 11 years. It was just a cuddle session, but it went on for 5 hours and it was so intense for me that I went into subspace from it. (BDSM term – look it up. It’s a wonderful state to be in!) That gave me a soft landing from the hypomania and I didn’t experience any depression afterwards.

That was when I decided it was time to stop being the recluse that I’d been for the past decade. I started going to social events in the trans community of the city I was in at the time. Just once a month, but it was still a major change for me. I started putting out feelers in the BDSM community again, something I wish I’d never gotten out of. (I had gotten out of it because of social anxiety.) But during this time I was in the process of selling my house and getting ready to move. Finally, on April 5, I drove away from my old home off towards my new life.

When I got to my new home, I decided it was time to fully break from my old life and try to build something better for myself. I registered for a college class to start studying psychology; I’m taking some basic undergrad classes in prep for applying to grad school. I got actively involved in the local trans community and started going to support group meetings, and social events. I started going by my first name again, after spending 27 years going by my middle name. I even have, for the first time in probably 23 years, an in real life friend who I actually see and hang out with on a regular basis.

And what’s happened to me as a result of all these changes? I’m spending money like crazy, still have no job, am in therapy again for the first time a years, am on a waiting list to be evaluated for autism, am taking anti-anxiety meds again, regularly experience anxiety attacks, have had my sound sensitivities go through the roof and now carry noise cancelling headphones everywhere I go, I got my first ever stim toy to help me calm down when things get bad, and I carry a small plushie of a lamb with me as an emotional support toy. My life is, in short, a disaster.

What the fuck has happened to me? Why did I have to fall apart? All I did was stop repressing my feelings. You’d think that would make things better for me, not worse.

And now I’m drunk. I’m on my fourth glass of wine since getting home about a hour ago. Before I moved I might have one glass a month. These days it’s becoming very common for me to drink at home. At first it was because it helped relax my back muscles, and I’ve been experiencing a lot of back pain lately. Tonight though, it’s about dulling the mental and emotional pain.

I just don’t know how I can make it through all of this.