Another diary entry. This was post transition and surgery and I was no longer dealing with gender issues directly, but was still dealing with the lingering depression and C-PTSD caused by gender dysphoria.

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October 14, 1999

Depression is a fuzziness and bluriness of the soul.

Depression is the feeling that ones soul is disintegrating – dissolving into nothingness.

Depression is a lack of focus.

Depression is a lack of energy.

Depression is not caring.

Depression is wanting to care, but not being able to care.

Depression is gray.

Depression is being alone in a crowd full of people who know you.

Depression is wanting help but being afraid to ask for it.

Depression is not knowing how to ask for help.

Depression is being unable to act to save the things one holds most dear.

Depression is being unable to act to save ones own self.