This is an excerpt from my diary describing my second time being out with other trans folk. There was a dance at a church, and afterwards some of the people invited me to go to a lesbian bar with them. The simple act of someone saying goodnight to me at the end of the night shattered my mind.

FYI Sarah is my first name.

Typos are in the original.

-- I am Sarah.

That’s simple statement is one that carries a tremendous emotional impact. It’s just three words, but those words convey all my hopes and fears and dreams and nightmares, and wonder.

Before Saturday I had some questions as to how true that statement is. Even during the course of the day and night I had my doubts. But thourghout the evening — even as nervous and unsure of myself as I was — even then I knew I would be coming back. And all my doubts were shattered into a myriad of unrecognizable pieces when Wendy said, at the end of the night, “Goodnight Sarah.”

No magic, no science, no endless patience of a thousand Buddhas could ever hope to reassemble that doubt. It may be that some small part of it might be temporarily pieced together for a while — enough to make me question myself for a brief while, but no permanent resurrection of a desire to be male could ever occur in me after that one statement.

"Goodnight Sarah."

When she said that, it was like I was running along — running away from who I am — and suddenly I ran out into a pond. For the first second or two I didn’t notice the water; I just said goodnight, in return. Then the force of the water pushing against me rose in force and overwhelmed me. I started to cry. I didn’t cry much; at that point I still had my emotions in the box, but the lid was straining, and a few things were starting to leak out.

Now just thinking about it make me cry. I just started crying again. I hope I don’t short out my keyboard. Ha ha.

But I made myself stop, because I can’t let people see me crying. If someone sees me, then they’ll ask why I’m crying, and then I’d either wind up telling them (if they’re persistent, or I’ll rouse suspicion and rumors will start flying.

"Goodnight Sarah."